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Psychology Today

  How to Diagnose an Unhealthy Relationship

You need a partner who's sincere, not manipulative.
 
 
Once I ran to you, now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given,
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Tainted love.   -- "Tainted Love," Ed Cobb, 1964


When someone says they've fallen in love with you, it can be hard to tell if they love you in a healthy way, or if their love is tainted. Here are six key differences:

1. Giving freely vs. giving to get. Real love is based on a desire to give to the other when the need arises, without expecting something in return. You trust each other to have one another’s back, and to be there for each other. Tainted love seldom gives without a price—giving is only a way to get something back, not a way of caring.

2. Knowing each other vs. changing each other. People who love in a healthy way work to know each other by building maps of each other and working hard to discover more and more of who each other are. Tainted love demands that you change into what someone else wants you to be. It doesn't care who you are, just that you conform to its demands. 

3. Privacy vs. exposure. A healthy love creates areas in the relationship that are private, where no one else can enter in. Real love protects the time the two of you share, your knowledge about each other, and the unique things the two of you do with each other. Tainted love provides no privacy—your weaknesses become the butt of jokes; details of private events like kissing are shared with anyone who will listen; and time together is given away to anyone but you.

4. Repair vs. revenge. If your partner really loves you, fights become ways to learn more about each other. You will see a genuine effort to repair conflicts through turning toward each other and sincere listening to feelings. Tainted love is vindictive. Each argument turns into an opportunity for payback. You’ll see fights produce blaming, coercion or rejection.

5. Shared goals vs. selfishness. Real love places two people into a joined life-space, where they create shared goals that promote each other’s well-being. Your partner should want your your hopes and dreams to come true. Tainted love takes for itself, it doesn’t give. Unhealthy love asks you to sacrifice your dreams, not fulfill them. Tainted love is self-interest, not other interest.

6. Desire vs. guilt. Healthy love creates a desire to care for each other’s needs. You want the other person to be in your life, and you care about their needs. Tainted love, instead, demands things and uses guilt to get what it wants. Your partner will tell you why you’re bad or uncaring, and compare you to others to make you feel bad—and then deliver the message: “But, sweetie, if you do what I tell you to, then maybe I'll forgive you." You don’t give because you want to, you give because you have to.

There are other ways to identify the difference between unhealthy and healthy love, but these six contrasts provide some key distinctions. If you want to learn more about healthy love, the Gottman Institute provides many useful materials and books on the topic—all supported by research. Remember: Healthy love leaves you better off at the end of the day, but tainted love hurts an awful lot of the time.

How To Motivate Yourself – Self Motivation

Staying motivated is a struggle — our drive is constantly assaulted by negative thoughts and anxiety about the future. Everyone faces doubt and depression. What separates the highly successful is the ability to keep moving forward. 

There is no simple solution for a lack of motivation. Even after beating it, the problem reappears at the first sign of failure. The key is understanding your thoughts and how they drive your emotions. By learning how to nurture motivating thoughts, neutralize negative ones, and focus on the task at hand, you can pull yourself out of a slump before it gains momentum.


Reasons We Lose Motivation

There are 3 primary reasons we lose motivation.
1.     Lack of confidence – If you don’t believe you can succeed, what’s the point in trying?
2.     Lack of focus – If you don’t know what you want, do you really want anything?
3.     Lack of direction – If you don’t know what to do, how can you be motivated to do it?

How to Boost Confidence

 The first motivation killer is a lack of confidence. When this happens to me, it’s usually because I’m focusing entirely on what I want and neglecting what I already have. When you only think about what you want, your mind creates explanations for why you aren’t getting it. This creates negative thoughts. Past failures, bad breaks, and personal weaknesses dominate your mind. You become jealous of your competitors and start making excuses for why you can’t succeed. In this state, you tend to make a bad impression, assume the worst about others, and lose self confidence.
The way to get out of this thought pattern is to focus on gratitude. Set aside time to focus on everything positive in your life. Make a mental list of your strengths, past successes, and current advantages. We tend to take our strengths for granted and dwell on our failures. By making an effort to feel grateful, you’ll realize how competent and successful you already are. This will rejuvenate your confidence and get you motivated to build on your current success.
It might sound strange that repeating things you already know can improve your mindset, but it’s amazingly effective. The mind distorts reality to confirm what it wants to believe. The more negatively you think, the more examples your mind will discover to confirm that belief. When you truly believe that you deserve success, your mind will generate ways to achieve it. The best way to bring success to yourself is to genuinely desire to create value for the rest of the world.
Developing Tangible Focus

The second motivation killer is a lack of focus. How often do you focus on what you don’t want, rather than on a concrete goal? We normally think in terms of fear. I’m afraid of being poor. I’m afraid no one will respect me. I’m afraid of being alone. The problem with this type of thinking is that fear alone isn’t actionable. Instead of doing something about our fear, it feeds on itself and drains our motivation.
If you’re caught up in fear based thinking, the first step is focusing that energy on a well defined goal. By defining a goal, you automatically define a set of actions. If you have a fear of poverty, create a plan to increase your income. It could be going back to school, obtaining a higher paying job, or developing a profitable website. The key is moving from an intangible desire to concrete, measurable steps.
By focusing your mind on a positive goal instead of an ambiguous fear, you put your brain to work. It instantly begins devising a plan for success. Instead of worrying about the future you start to do something about it. This is the first step in motivating yourself to take action. When know what you want, you become motivated to take action.
Developing Direction 

The final piece in the motivational puzzle is direction. If focus means having an ultimate goal, direction is having a day-to-day strategy to achieve it. A lack of direction kills motivation because without an obvious next action we succumb to procrastination. An example of this is a person who wants to have a popular blog, but who spends more time reading posts about blogging than actually writing articles. 

The key to finding direction is identifying the activities that lead to success. For every goal, there are activities that pay off and those that don’t. Make a list of all your activities and arrange them based on results. Then make a make an action plan that focuses on the activities that lead to big returns. To continue the example from above, a blogger’s list would look something like this:
  1. Write content
  2. Research relevant topics
  3. Network with other bloggers
  4. Optimize design and ad placements
  5. Answer comments and email
  6. Read other blogs
Keeping track of your most important tasks will direct your energy towards success. Without a constant reminder, it’s easy to waste entire days on filler activities like reading RSS feeds, email, and random web surfing.
When my motivation starts to wane, I regain direction by creating a plan that contains two positive actions. The first one should be a small task you’ve been meaning to do, while the second should be a long-term goal. I immediately do the smaller task. This creates positive momentum. After that I take the first step towards achieving the long-term goal. Doing this periodically is great for getting out of a slump, creating positive reinforcement, and getting long-term plans moving.

It’s inevitable that you’ll encounter periods of low energy, bad luck, and even the occasional failure. If you don’t discipline your mind, these minor speed bumps can turn into mental monsters. By being on guard against the top 3 motivation killers you can preserve your motivation and propel yourself to success.
 http://somalijobs.net/index.php/job-seekers/resources/115-how-to-motivate-yourself-self-motivation




Mind, Self, Soul, Spirit, and Happiness from an Islamic Perspective
 
By Hassan Ali El-Najjar*
Al-Jazeerah, 13th Dhul Qa’ada, 1428 - November 24, 2007
Revised on 2nd of Dhul Hijja, 1429 - November 30, 2008
Revised on 1st of Ramadan, 1433 - July 20, 2012



Introduction


The concepts of mind, self, soul, Spirit, and happiness are closely related in the Holy Quran. This article attempts to increase people’s understanding of these concepts, their interconnectedness, and their relevance to Islamic teachings in general.


Scientists of our time have been able to clone animals. This has made it easier on people to believe that the Creator (Praise to Him), the All-Knowledgeable, is capable of resurrecting the human body in the Day of Judgment.
 

The current information revolution has demonstrated that information can be captured in diskettes and compacted disks (CDs) and transferred through space (from Earth to satellites orbiting our planet, then back to Earth). However, humans have neither been capable of transferring information from the human brain nor to it. 


This is God’s sphere so far. He is the Creator of scientists and internet innovators. He is capable of transferring information from our brains at the moment of death to a super computer somewhere in His universe until the Day of Judgment. He has not told us how He does that but assured us that we will know a little about it.


These facts also mean that God is capable of cloning the same individual and of transferring the information back to his/her brain, thus resurrecting humans in body and soul, at the Day of Judgment.


Happiness, Good, and Evil


Ultimately, believers in God's ability of resurrection would behave in a good way during their life time on Planet Earth. As a result, they will be rewarded in this life by living in happiness, and in the hereafter by entering God's Paradise and enjoying a happy life there forever.


Conversely, those who don't want to believe in the Day of Reckoning, don't also believe in accountability. So, they may act in an evil or a bad way during their life time on Planet Earth. As a result, they will be punished by not living in peace and happiness in this life and by entering Hell in the hereafter.


An important point in the discussion about the Day of Judgment is that capturing human voice and picture, recording them, and broadcasting them through radio and TV waves have demonstrated that it is possible to record every movement, action, or word a human being does or says while living on Earth. 


If humans could do that, then it should be a given that their Creator is more capable of doing it than they are. This constitutes further evidence about the accountability humans are held to by God, who will judge them according to what has been recorded about them.


The two concepts of good and evil are not left to people to define. Otherwise, they may never agree on what constitutes each one of them.


God's teachings revealed in His messages to guide humanity, as summarized in the Holy Qur'an, include specific definitions and examples of what constitutes good and evil. 


These messages were delivered by God’s messengers throughout human history. Some of these messengers were mentioned in the Holy Books, others were not mentioned. 


Among the mentioned prominent messengers of God, we are told about Adam, Nooh (Noah), Ibrahim (Abraham, Loot (Lot), Is'haq (Isaac), Ya'aqoub (Jacob), Yousuf (Joseph), Moussa (Moses), Hood, Saleh, Elias (Elijah), Elyasa'a, Younus (Jonah), Ayoub (Jobe), Dawood (David), Sulaiman (Solomon), Zakariyah, Yahya (John), Al-Messieh Eissa Bin Maryam (The Messiah Jesus, Son of Mary), and Muhammed (Peace and blessings of God be upon all of them).


The message of God to humanity, taught by his messengers, includes commands and recommendations. While good is what God has wanted humans to do, evil is what He warned them against, telling them to avoid or not to do (See Introduction to Islamic Law, Shari'a, Part I).


It follows that obedience to God, through doing what He wants people to do, constitutes what's good, and leads to happiness. However, disobedience to Him leads to committing evil acts, which causes suffering to offenders and to their victims.


More direct association between obedience to God and happiness as well as disobedience to Him and unhappiness or wretchedness can be found in verses throughout the Holy Qur’an. 
 

The Mind


The mind is the body of knowledge housed in the brain. It includes two main parts. The first is a software which develops inherently with the brain in the womb. It is responsible for the functionality of the body, readiness for learning, and disposition for knowing good and evil, as explained in the self below. 


The second part of the mind is accumulated from birth until death, as a result of the interaction with the world. So, the mind actually houses everything a person learns throughout his/her life. However, not all the information accumulated in the mind may be used by a  person.


The word mind (aql, عقل) does not appear in the Holy Qur’an as a noun in the singular form. Rather, a derivative of which is used as a verb (aqala عَقَلَ ), meaning to tie, tighten, control, or restrict. 


Thus, minding or reasoning means subjecting one’s thinking to known restrictions, rules, laws, and controls in order for one’s behavior to become as educated, safe, wise, and intelligent as possible, as mentioned in many verses of the Holy Qur’an. 


The word al-albab   ,لألباب) however, is used in the Holy Quran to refer to the “mind” but in the plural form. It has been used in 15 verses, all addressing believers who are intelligent enough to use their “minds.” 


Self and Soul


In Surat Al-Ana’am (Chapter 6), Verse 60, of the Holy Quran, we are told that Allah, praise to Him, knows what we do in the daytime, when we are awake, then we go back to Him in the Day of Judgment, so He tells us what we have done in this life. 


In Chapter 6, also, Verse 61, God tells us that when the moment of death comes, God sends angels who are curators or record keepers to end a person’s life on Earth. Nothing will be left out of his/her record. The record will be completed. Thus, the physical death is also accompanied by “wafah” or “completion” of a person’s record during his/her time life on Earth. 


Some Messengers of God, however, were lifted to heavens to save them from death but their records on Earth were completed, such as the case with Jesus Christ, peace be upon him, who experienced "wafah" but not death. This is also the case of martyrs, whose lives on Earth ended but they are alive in heavens. 


Verse 67 of Chapter 6 assures us that every bit of news has a destination where it can be saved or recorded, and prophetically tells us that we will know that this can and will happen. 


Part of this prophecy has been fulfilled in our time, as we have been capable of capturing the sound and pictures of humans and their environment and of broadcasting them through radio and TV waves throughout terrestrial and extraterrestrial space.


The main idea here is that if humans have been capable of accomplishing that, then it should be a given that Allah Almighty, praise to Him, is more capable of doing it and more.

But what exactly are we going to be held accountable for?


The Holy Quran tells us that we will be held accountable for all what we say or do with our own free will and choice. This is because God has given humans the freedom to choose. 


The Holy Quran is very specific about the contrast between the two choices. In Verses 7 and 8 of Chapter 91 (Surat Al-Shams), God Almighty says that when He has fashioned the human self (by blowing His spirit in it), He has also equipped it with the ability to choose to be pious or deviant, following the straight path or going astray from it. 


Translators of the Holy Quran generally use the word “soul” as a translation for the Arabic word nafs (نَفۡسٌ۬). Sociologists use another term, “self,” to refer to the body of knowledge, which is selected from the mind in a developmental process to form a unique identity for a living person. 


The word soul is more used by religious scholars to refer to a person’s unique identity after death, than during his/her life on earth. Thus, the “soul” is the “self ” after death, which will be held accountable for its performance during life on Earth. It will be resurrected through being transferred back to its cloned body in the Day of Judgment, in order to be able to communicate with its Creator, then to be rewarded or punished on the basis of its Earthen performance. 


There are hundreds of verses in the Holy Quran, which mention the self (“nafs” in Arabic). Some of them refer to the self during its life on Earth and others refer to it in the Hereafter. 


Spirit


While psychologists, sociologists, and other scientists have been studying the mind and the self (which becomes soul after death), we know very little about the spirit, as the Holy Quran tells us. 


The word “spirit” is a translation of the Arabic word roo'h (روح ), which is mentioned in about 20 verses in the Holy Quran. 
 

Humans received part of God’s spirit when He blew it in Adam, thus becoming part of the human DNA, as Verses 5:110, 15: 29, 21: 91, and 66: 12 tells us. This is the part of the brain which is responsible for the automatic functionality of the body organs, readiness for learning, and disposition for knowing good and evil.

From these 20 verses of the Holy Qur’an, we know that the spirit is a quality of God that He sends to the humans He has created in order to support, strengthen, and give life to them. Thus, humans have some of God’s spirit. The verses also refer to the angel Jibril (Gabriel) as "the Spirit." 


Summary and Conclusion


The concepts of mind, self, soul, Spirit, and happiness are closely related in the Holy Quran. They are interconnected, in the sense that understanding them individually cannot be complete without understanding how they are related to each other.


As human beings, we are elated over a lot of God’s creations because of our ability to collect, process, and use data in a good way, by choice. 


The human body is just an instrument that incubates and sustains the brain, which houses the human mind, from which the self develops and evolves throughout a person's lifetime on Earth.


God Almighty started the process When He installed an essential software from His spirit in the human brain. This is what allows and enables the human self to start a life-long process of data collection, processing, and decision making while having the ability to differentiate between good and evil.


When the body dies, when it is no longer capable of sustaining the self, whether by old age, sickness, or accidental injury, then records of the human self are completed by angels.


In the Hereafter, the self is going to be judged on the basis of its performance on Earth. If it is obedient to God in its behavior, it will be living in happiness in this life and in the hereafter. But, if the human self is disobedient to God, it suffers in its Earthen life and in the hereafter.

To sum up, goodness is obedience to God and evil is disobedience to Him. 


It follows that whatever happens to human beings in their life is going to be good for them in the hereafter, as long as they are obedient to God, even if they become poor, get sickor killed unjustly. It is good because their ultimate destination is an eternal happy life in Paradise. They have to work as hard as they can in their pursuit of happiness while on Earth but they have to observe God in everything they say or do. 
 

You may get the results you want to achieve here in this life (wealth, offspring, power, prestige, reproductive activities, etc.) but there's a possibility that you may not get what you are pursuing because of circumstances beyond your control.


Success or failure, in the Islamic sense, is in how you conduct yourself during the process.

==============================================

Notes:

* Dr. Hassan Ali El-Najjar is a native speaker of Arabic. He has a Ph.D. in Sociology and a Master’s degree in Cultural Anthropology from the University of Georgia, USA.

This article is based on three Friday speeches the author gave at the Dalton Islamic Center Mosque on 3 Sha'aban, 1425 (September 17, 2004),  6 Safar, 1426 (March 18, 2005), and 29 Safar, 1426 (April 8, 2005).

Though the author is solely responsible for the translation of the meanings of the verses of the the Holy Quran mentioned in this article, he consulted with the translation of Yusuf Ali (may Allah reward him for his great work in the service of Islam and Muslims).

 

 

7 Myths About Happiness

Nearly all of us buy into what I call the myths of happiness.
Nearly all of us buy into what I call the myths of happiness—beliefs that certain adult achievements (marriage, kids, jobs, wealth) will make us forever happy and that certain adult failures or adversities (health problems, divorce, having little money) will make us forever unhappy. Overwhelming research evidence, however, reveals that there is no magic formula for happiness and no sure course toward misery. Rather than bringing lasting happiness or misery in themselves, major life moments and crisis points can be opportunities for renewal, growth, or meaningful change. Yet how you greet these moments really matters.

I’ll Be Happy When I’m Married to the Right Person

One of the most pervasive happiness myths is the notion that we’ll be happy when we find that perfect romantic partner—when we say “I do.” The false promise is not that marriage won’t make us happy. For the great majority of individuals, it will. The problem is that marriage—even when initially perfectly satisfying—will not make us as intensely happy (or for as long) as we believe it will. Indeed, studies show that the happiness boost from marriage lasts an average of only two years. Unfortunately, when those two years are up and fulfilling our goal to find the idea partner hasn’t made us as happy as we expected, we often feel there must be something wrong with us or we must be the only ones to feel this way.

I Can’t Be Happy When My Relationship Has Fallen Apart

When a committed relationship falls apart, our reaction is often supersized. Fear of divorce is especially acute: We feel that we can never be happy again, that our life as we know it is now over. However, people are remarkably resilient, and research shows that the low point in happiness occurs a couple years before the divorce. As soon as four years after the break of a troubled marriage, people are significantly happier than they ever had been during the union.

I Need a Partner

Many of us are positive that not having a partner would make us miserable forever. However, multiple studies show that single people are no less happy than married ones, and that singles have been found to enjoy great happiness and meaning in other relationships and pursuits. Unfortunately, believing in this myth may be toxic: Not recognizing the power of resilience and the rewards of singlehood (such as more time to spend with friends or engaging in solo projects and adventures) may lead us to settle for a poor romantic match.

Landing My Dream Job Will Make Me Happy

At the root of this happiness myth is the misconception that, although we’re not happy now, we’ll surely be happy when land that dream job. We encounter a problem, however, when acquiring that seemingly perfect job doesn’t make us as happy as we expected and when that happiness is ever so brief. What explains this unwelcome experience is the inexorable process of hedonic adaptation—namely, the fact that human beings have the remarkable capacity to grow habituated or inured to most life changes. Unfortunately, if we are convinced that a certain kind of job would make us happy (and it doesn’t), then misunderstanding the power of hedonic adaptation may compel us to jettison perfectly good careers. Hence, a critical first step is to understand that everyone becomes habituated to the novelty, excitement, and challenges of a new job or venture. This new awareness will suggest to us an alternative explanation for our occupational malaise. To wit, there may be nothing wrong with the job or with our motivation or with our work ethic. The fact may be that we are simply experiencing a naturally occurring, all-too-human process.

I’ll Be Happy When I’m Rich and Successful

Many of us fervently believe that, if we’re not happy now, we’ll be happy when we’ve finally made it—when we have reached a certain level of prosperity and success. However, when that happiness proves elusive or short-lived, we weather mixed emotions, letdown, and even depression. When we’ve achieved—at least on paper—much of what we have always wanted to achieve, life can become dull and even empty. There is little around the corner to look forward to. Many prosperous and successful individuals don’t understand this natural process of adaptation, and may come to the conclusion that they need even more money to be truly happy. They do not realize that the key to buying happiness is not in how successful we are, but perhaps what we do with our success; it’s not how high our income is, but how we allocate it.

I Will Never Recover from a Dire Medical Diagnosis

When our worst fears about our health are realized, we can’t imagine getting beyond the crying and despairing stage. We can’t imagine experiencing happiness again. Yet our reactions and forebodings about this worst-case scenario are governed by one of the myths of happiness. Much can be done in the face of positive test results to increase the chances that our time living with illness will not be all misery and purposelessness—indeed, that it can be a time of growth and meaning—with hundreds of studies to substantiate it.

Science shows that we have the power to decide what our experience is and isn’t. Consider that during every minute of your day, you are choosing to pay attention to some things and opting to ignore, overlook, suppress, or withdraw from most other things. What you choose to focus on becomes part of your life and the rest falls out. You may have a chronic illness, for example, and you can spend most of your days dwelling on how it has ruined your life, or you can spend your days focusing on your gym routine, or getting to know your nieces, or connecting to your spiritual side. We can change our lives simply by changing our attitudes of mind.

The Best Years of My Life Are Over

Whether we are young, middle-aged, or old, the great majority of us believe that happiness declines with age, falling more and more with every decade until we reach that point at which our lives are characterized by sadness and loss. Thus, we may be surprised to learn what research conclusively confirms—that many of us could not be farther from the truth when we conclude that our finest years are long behind us. Older people are actually happier and more satisfied with their lives than younger people; they experience more positive emotions and fewer negative ones, and their emotional experience is more stable and less sensitive to the vicissitudes of daily negativity and stress.

Although exactly when the well-being peak takes place is still unclear—three recent studies demonstrated that the peak of positive emotional experience occurred at ages sixty-four, sixty-five, and seventy-nine, respectively—what is very clear is that youth and emerging adulthood are not the sunniest times of life.

Why is this? When we begin to recognize that our years are limited, we fundamentally change our perspective about life. The shorter time horizon motivates us to become more present-oriented and to invest our (relatively limited) time and effort into the things in life that really matter. So, for example, as we age, our most meaningful relationships become much more of a priority than meeting new people or taking risks; we invest more in these relationships and discard those that are not very supportive. In a sense, we become more emotionally wiser as we age.

For a great deal more detail -- and citations of supporting theory and research -- see my new book, The Myths of Happiness (Penguin Press).

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